


memento mori

by puresebastian



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 20:15:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7188539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puresebastian/pseuds/puresebastian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>from just the tags you know this is angsty af +pretty dark</p>
<p>"Steve almost feels guilty when he crawls into their tent and can hear the faint murmur of Bucky’s name, rank and serial number. He almost feels guilty when he wakes up with Bucky on top of him and a fist around his throat. He almost feels guilty when Bucky flinches at his touch. Steve knows he is selfish and disgusting, but he can’t feel guilty because he is so unbelievably happy and that makes him sick to his stomach. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	memento mori

**Author's Note:**

> memento mori || remember (that you have) to die.

The needles went into his skin. Bright lights and pain is all he knows. But then, he can hear them.

“Shut it down.”

_No_ they can’t, this is his only chance. They can’t take this away from him. He screams, unaware of what he is actually saying but the pain continues, the bright light gets brighter and brighter still, then it goes dark.

They help pull him out of the machine, he can see, so much colour and everything is so loud and far away at the same time. He is fixed, they fixed him. He is so relieved. No more painful stomach ulcers, no more weeks spent bedridden and useless, and no more perverted thoughts. He was free finally.

Fixed, until he wasn’t.

* * *

 

Steve was sat next to Bucky at the bar, the dim light making his skin look warm and smooth, like it needed to be licked and kissed and treasured. Bucky’s hair was flat against his head and his eyes were tired and scared, Steve just wanted to hold onto him tightly, keep him somewhere safe and warm.

But of course that was never going to happen. Steve would never voluntarily part with Bucky and so he had to offer Bucky a place with him and the howling commandos. It seemed that Bucky would never voluntarily part with Steve and so of course he accepted.

Steve _almost_ feels guilty when he crawls into their tent and can hear the faint murmur of Bucky’s name, rank and serial number. He _almost_ feels guilty when he wakes up with Bucky on top of him and a fist around his throat. He _almost_ feels guilty when Bucky flinches at his touch. Steve knows he is selfish and disgusting, but he can’t feel guilty because he is so _unbelievably happy_ and that makes him sick to his stomach.

They were supposed to have fixed him.

Then comes the train, and there goes Bucky, screaming

                                                                                      all

                                                                                         the

                                                                                              way

                                                                                                  down. 

* * *

 

Afterward it is like he is stuck in that machine all over again, except it doesn’t stop.

He is in a constant state of too much pain and everything is too bright. He wishes that kind voice, full of strength and compassion would shout “shut it down!” once again and this time he would remain silent.

He wasn’t built to handle this much pain, he wasn’t built to feel this much.

And then they need him again,

And then he defeats the Red Skull,

And then he saves New York,

And then,

And then,

And then,

It won’t stop. But everything was still so bright, and everything still hurt.

He is still in the plane, but there is that voice, strong and compassionate, he talks back, says there is no way out, talks about dancing as he gets lower, closer to the bright white.

And then Steve closes his eyes,

And then he asks for forgiveness,

And then he thinks of Bucky,

And then.

**Author's Note:**

> Idk should I do more? I kinda wanna do a part 2?
> 
> also heyyy I'm trash so if you wanna beta for me hit me up on tumblr my url is puresebastian


End file.
